Reflecting on Solve for X- Imposter Syndrome: Trapped in My Mind

Imposter Syndrome involves “feelings of self-doubt and personal incompetence that persist despite your education, experience and accomplishments”

For as long as I can remember, I have been trapped in my own mind. For the most part, my life has been riddled with self-doubt dashed with anxiety. I am often overcome by feelings of self-doubt and anxiety when I meet new people, when I take on a new task or when I find myself having to do something for people for the first time ever- this can be something as mundane as cooking.

I wish I could tell you when all of this started-but I can't. I have been trying to figure out where this self-doubt stems from...when it all started. However, I fail to remember a specific date or event that triggered my impostorism.

Let me take you into my world a little. Since I was in high school (I think grade 11), I have always pushed myself academically. I strived to get the best marks- at least I defined “the best” for myself and didn’t rely so much on others to do that for me. Fast forward to university, I still pushed and worked very hard towards

getting distinctions. While I find nothing wrong with working hard and smashing personal goals; I have found it very hard to “accept” my wins. I always find a way to down-play them, I don’t necessarily like it when people talk about what I have achieved. This is one one thing I have figured out though; I always attribute my wins to hard work and nothing more. I somehow doubt my capabilities, sometimes I get the shock of my life when I go through papers I have written, marks received and other achievements. This is because I don’t believe that I could produce such.

Imposter syndrome has been about being trapped in my mind. It has been about criticizing everything I do, self-sabotaging and failing miserably at enjoying the small things that life has to offer. I have set up so many stumbling blocks for myself, numerous tests and being very harsh on myself when I don’t “pass” these tests.

Last week I facilitated a “Solve for X” webinar. The “X” that we were solving was Imposter Syndrome. It was in that session that I found comfort in knowing that I am not the only one living with imposter syndrome. While it may not be identified as a mental disorder, it really does do a number on one’s mental health. There are 5 types of imposter syndrome and guess what? I see myself in every type.

I recently learnt that an imposter cycle exists. It is a vicious cycle. But it is one that someone can break. During the session, I learnt that one can break this cycle by implementing systems thinking. It's an unconventional way of looking at a problem. Systems thinking is about looking at a problem holistically, from multiple perspectives/viewpoints and one that allows you to question what you may think you know about something.

Looking at something holistically, means looking at what may trigger your imposter syndrome. If you may be wondering what triggers mine, well there are many triggers but the one that stands out most is social media. Sometimes being on social media when I am at my lowest feels like I am dousing my feelings of imposterism with petrol. This may also be because of how I tend to internalize, whether intentionally or unintentionally, what others put out on social media and use that as a benchmark by which I judge myself.

During the session, I learnt some very important things:

1. Find out what triggers your imposterism

2. Journal/Keep a record of your accomplishments (this will come in handy the day feeling of self-doubt creep in)

3. Stay away from your triggers

4. What you feed your mind is very important

5. Be kind to yourself

I don’t think “X” has necessarily been solved because “Rome was not built in a day” but I am happy to have found a community of “fraudsters” (LOL) that I can fight this battle with. I am happy to have found a practical solution that I can use to work on my imposterism and break away from the mental trap I have found myself in.

Till next time,

Jabu